Look Me in the Eye

1. In the preface, John’s brother (Augusten) says that “Asperger’s is not a disease. It’s a way of being.” Which mental health diagnoses are diseases and which ones are ways of being?

2. Have you ever had to learn what people expect in common social situations as to act more normal and no offend anyone? Have you struggled to fit in?

   • Do you ever think about what your eyes are doing in social situations or are you totally confident that your eyes are doing the socially acceptable thing?

3. Can you relate to John’s fondness for machines (and animals) as they were never mean to him and never hurt his feelings? John explains that he controls the machines, they don’t talk back, and they are predictable.

4. John explains how people have an inbred tendency to care about and protect themselves and their immediate family. He says that we don’t naturally care about people that we don’t know (“If we tried to feel sorry for every death, our little hearts would explode”). How often do you and others are performing as if they feel things that they don’t genuinely feel? Have you ever considered performing less (or more)?

5. How often do you censor yourself from saying what you are thinking? Have you ever experimented from having more or less of a filter?

6. So many people (all of us to one extent or another) display a mixed bag of positive and negative behaviors. Do you sometimes struggle with how to perceive those who do both wonderful and horrifying things? Did Dr. Finch become more likable since he stopped John’s father from hitting him, or do his misdeeds make him completely irredeemable?

7. Can you relate to John’s aversion to drugs and alcohol as he doesn’t like feeling out of control? Do you ever like being out of control?

8. What does it mean to act like a grown-up? Do you feel pressured to act like a grown-up? Do you ever consider needing to go more or less in the grown-up direction?

9. Is “Wow!” accompanied by a smile an acceptable response to almost anything?

10. Do you utilize stock questions to fill conversational voids? Is this inauthentic? Could we have more fulfilling interactions with others with less superficiality and less of the stock questions?

11. What did you think of John’s explanation of being conversationally handicapped and how he is treated with less compassion than someone in a wheelchair (“No one turns to a guy in a wheelchair and says, ‘Quick! Let’s run across the street!’”)?

12. John talks about his belief that considerable rewiring took place in his brain in his thirties and even later (He also explains how there was a trade-off for the increased emotional intelligence). Do you think you are capable of rewiring your brain? Have you rewired your brain in your 30s and beyond?

    • What did you think of John’s trade-off, gaining emotional intelligence while seemingly losing other capabilities?

13. Have you ever felt unfulfilled in your job due to the lack of opportunity to fully utilize your creativity?

14. If a therapist has (or were to) give you a diagnosis, how might that impact your perception of yourself? Would it be more likely to be comforting and empowering, or do you imagine it would be detrimental in some way? Do you ever do research to see if you “have something”?

15. John sometimes struggles to understand when people approach things and make decisions that he doesn’t align with (even when it comes to his brother’s choice in dog names). In what ways, do you have similar experiences to John?

16. What does it mean when people talk about relationships failing due to people growing in different directions? Is this avoidable?

17. What did you think of John’s contemplation about the possibility of being even happier than he already is? He wonders if his wife was really “the best choice” for him, and he even talks in length about comparing his wife to her sisters. He says that every guy wonders if he got the best sister, but most of them won’t admit it. John says that sometimes he questions it out loud, and he can’t understand why people seem offended. John explains that after all, it’s acceptable to wonder whether we got the best car. John goes on to explain that he likes his wife, but he also likes to feel that his decisions are a result of intelligent consideration and choice and not just chance. I am sure many of you (or all of you) are offended by this! Are you offended by John? Does he get a free pass to be offensive? How often do you reconsider your initial feelings of offense?

18. John talks about how his wife always shows interest in him, and she seems to believe in him without reservation. She watches what people say and do around him, and she explains things he misses. She is patient when he asks the same questions over and over, and she also gives him lots of pets which helps lower his anxiety. What sorts of things make you a good partner when you are in a relationship, and in what ways could you improve?

19. In the Reading and Resources section of the book (at the end), John explains that he has been very fortunate to have achieved his childhood career goals not just once, but three times. He says that this means three things: He picked attainable goals, he persevered, and he was lucky. John explains that had he decided to become president of GE, get elected to the Senate, and then become an astronaut, that might not have happened. “Perhaps there’s a life lesson in there somewhere.” Is there an important life lesson in there?

20. How do you feel about trains?